In the future we'll all be gay
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Life is so much better after having sex.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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