Can Purell be used as lube?
You can't motorboat a personality
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone owes me an orgasm
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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