Where did you get a picture of my penis
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
