I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
