Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
