May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
