oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
