I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Panties = found
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
