Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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