I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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