Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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