So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
