how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
