im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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