chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
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