Those balls look pretty dangerous.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
