my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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