Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
