Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I will pee on everything he values.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
