I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
