I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Well I just put wine in my tea
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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