I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
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