Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We need a shit load of segways right now
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
