So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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