god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
There are leaves in my underwear?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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