We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
