How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
