fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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