i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
