Don't EVER smell your tampon
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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