it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Randomize
