not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
