my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
