I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
