i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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