apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
