why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
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you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
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GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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