It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
