I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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