wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
