Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize