Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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