somebody snuck up and got me drunk
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
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thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
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the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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