Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
