If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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