Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
