I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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