I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
