The maid of honor just puked.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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