i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
