another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
