BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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