Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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