Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
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How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
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Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does