I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Randomize
