Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
